September 2009
1 post
two bags of chips, acidic potato chips, two bag opening mouths,
opening and looking at you, who?
squalor
noises like: clickity clackity and rickity rackety
and screwing.
July 2008
9 posts
less is more, more or less.
Oh my little life.
noise pollution. debris. neighbors bothering me.
rhyme
i smell the pool
i smell the in sensitivity
i smell the careless words
i smell the wasted thoughts and breaths and actions
i smell the chlorine
i smell the shit
I smell the nectarine
BUT I DONT EAT THE PIT!
sometimes I feel way too far away
the past 3 posts all mention physical pain. I feel OK right now.
I went swimming yesterday, it was really great. I don’t really want to go swimming today, but I want to relive those great day old memories. Memories will fuck with you. Mind eraser.
i can’t even get to the emotion I want to feel. Making stops along the way.
the great passing of passer by’s
sorry. i had bad kidney pain. sorry. i take things too seriously. overanalyze. dizzy. I kind of like my job now, but it’s not respectable, they say. interesting movie. fever. heat. collision
2
speaking philosophy while stomach hurts, uncompleted thoughts. philosophy that is not thought out. be carefull
I wonder what’s worse, physical or emotional pain. I’m drinking tap water, it tastes disgusting. I feel sick right now anyways though.
faith
one must have faith in oneself. to be able to transport himself with ease. I think physical and emotional stability can come.
I believe that you can only know the present; the past and the future exists in a weird way. As I’ll reiterate its always shaped by the present.
I painted a little bit today, it was pretty good, but I still don’t feel right painting here, I think when I move...
goto sleep dreading waking, back hurts, I made $37 in tips today bought $10 worth of gas; bought a $29 pair of shoes, $2 on a vitamin water and $3 on some cheesy late 80s early 90s comic books. I only worked 3 hours today, I was pretty tired too. I tried skating; I skated alright today, I’m glad to have the new shoes.
June 2008
21 posts
waxingwaning
Do you really always turn into what you pretend to be? I guess you do. It kind of makes sense. Life seems to be a lot about pretending and lying, which is pretty depressing. I am so split in two. Up stream and down stream. Negative and positive. Out going and shy. This often makes me feel clueless and lost and unfamiliar with my true self. I have a hard time making decisions because I could go...
you always turn into what you pretend to be
sad existence, foolish unavoidable death, you remind me of someone else, is that why I like you so much. Fan blows, what am I really doing with my days, I envy you for going to the park and just looking at things, I can’t do this. Things are so difficult, moving my legs, adjusting my spinal cord. I wish I could fall down and not get hurt. Rubber bouncer. Beautiful woman, beautiful face. I...
I suppose I will write about today too
got to work at noon, felt very anxious and confused, I wanted to go to sleep but at the same time I felt stuck, because I was already at work. I keep wanting to quit everyday, I’m waiting for them to give me a reason. Then they tell me they’d give a 50 cent raise today if I work a few more hours, because I’m a good driver. I was honestly considering it, but then i started...
Earlier today I told myself that I would write something poetic on here, but I don’t know if I can. My body and mind feel like mush. I took a nap today. I don’t know for how long… could have been an hour, could have been 20 minutes, or 10. It was a lucid dream. At first it was very sexual - which I don’t get very often - but then it changed. I was dreaming of myself taking...
reality
I really want to work on some conceptual skate videos again. I was going to write about making money and how I want to quit my job and how I can’t caus’ I need the money and about sentimental love and living in the past and future only, and not the present. Which is alot of people’s problem. But I figured just a mention is better, and to stay optimistic; I was negative enough...
suggestive writing, remember that time I rode your back all night, as you sucked on my thumb, you sucked hard; dreaming about that lifeforce. We’d exchange spit, stare into each others eyes, push the spit back and forth, like cum in our mouths. Lifeforce. I’d like to just eat your pussy all night, under the sheets, sweat beading down my face. Suffocating. I’d die for you, die...
Wine and dine. How can these two things define class so greatly? Some of the most natural foods are only made available to the worlds wealthiest inhabitants. Grapes. Olives. Fennel. Truffles. Bonito. Saffron. Matsuke. Not for us. We get Idaho potatoes and cloned meat. Cheez doodles. money money money money money money money. I can’t afford a culinary interest, there’s so much I...
car writing
push out babies
stuck in traffic
again
make that left turn
cop directing traffic
throw your money straight into the trash
restrained pedophilia haunts the suburbs
trying to make the hours pass
my favorite pastime
what do you think her pussy smells like?
I can’t even tell age anymore
paying notice to insignificance
distraction
at least the sky is beautiful.
clarified butter
I throw money in the garbage sometimes. Pennies, mostly pennies. Pennies add up though. Today I stared into the eyes of a spiritual man. He reminded me of many things I have discovered but temporarily forgot. I thank him. I wonder if he throws pennies in the garbage. You know? Just sweeps them up and tosses them into the can.
contd
throw money into the garbage.
go take photos, go jot down ideas, make drawings. I suffer from having like 1000 notebooks/sketchbooks around me all the time, each one categorized slightly differently. I don’t know how many people pay attention, this one girl I was with once made special attention to it; it was an aspect she loved. It really hit my heart hard that she cared about this aspect, and I hurt her. For what?...
I want to feel sexy. I hardly ever do lately. Whatever happened to that feeling? It seems to have faded. I want to play dress up and take photographs. I want to take more photographs. I want to document. I think that’s important yet I always seem to forget my camera, never jot down thoughts or feelings in my sketchbook. I used to. Whatever happened to that? I miss hanging out with females...
outsiders inside
I don’t quite understand the competition between girls. females. women. ovaries and uterui.
couplings
out at a party, i see people carousing, as I am too. I imagine conversations, not to say my conversations are great, every so often it will be a good one though, sure. Anyways, it makes me jealous imagining the girl I want being with someone else, but what am I to do. Its not up to me, if anything it makes me feel incapable. Incapable of impressing, or even connecting, but I’m jsut more...
polypody
I can count twelve of them for you right now. Of course not all are of significant sizes. There are tiny bruises, slightly purple, easy to misinterpret as a shadow, and usually go unnoticed. On the other hand there are the multi-prismacolored bruised spots. Unsure of how they were caused. I try to eat a lot of bananas. Damn - it’s hard to hit a bowl with only matches.
anecdotal
it can slip, I’ve slipped; slipped and dislocated my shoulder. I had to goto the ER, in the dead of winter, then a year and half later I had to do the same thing in the dead of summer. Both times have left my brain bruised.
My gum has aspartame in it. Years of aspartame abuse. How could I have let this slip?
you are my therapist
Momentarily, I think about a moment, a specific piece of the time space continuum. A past event, an awful event none the less, a traumatic event in the eyes of anyone with a sense of sensitivity.
I went to the lake on Saturday. All of the windows were down and I was sweating. A/C is gas and gas is money and money is not plentiful right now. As long as I drink enough water I don’t see anything wrong with sweating, especially since I was just going to the lake by myself. Not the kind of social outting I need to be “presentable” for. My skirts always ride up on my thighs...
my mundane morning
hot summer heat, its affecting the computer too. It is slow and weary. I try to watch some TV while eating my english muffin breakfast, but its just so bad and boring. Sure I see some pretty celebrity girls, but i can see them on the internet too and I don’t have to endure all the celeb gossip and fast editing. I go up a flight of stairs and the temperature rises with each passing step....
is it a connection when there is mutual disappointment because of the lack of a connection? i am going to paint my bathroom this weekend. maybe even before the weekend. And who knows, maybe i will paint the lounge room as well. I am the only person who uses that room, i should make it my own. it kind of is. that is where I do qi qong and water my plants. my plants like it there because it’s...
May 2008
2 posts
hey
its so funny how you think you have established a connection with someone yet its not there at all, its very sad and disappointing. At this point I don’t think we’ll ever be connected… its all just disconnected other people’s lives we’re living.
who cares
its such a beautiful night, the air is cold and crisp and it is wet out too. The clutch of my car is firm and i shift at 3000 revolutions per minute, its torquey. pulls on my back. This machine against me, this machine I am in. I am alone in the black night. Another car passes, I don’t look at the other car and I wonder what he thinks of me, assuming he looked. Everything seems solid. I...
April 2008
1 post
no one
typing error fuck, typical, sorry sandwich. you fuck, fuck you, goto hell, go walk on train tracks and die, piece of shits. no one is here, no one talks, no one reads, poison rat traps kill. Wrist pain, guitar deceased. Why even bother? stomach filled with fluids, body pain, work again soon; depressing shit, isn’t it? I know… phonecalls made and no response, but why bother if not fully...
March 2008
26 posts
capitulate
blue green. your smile, your eyes. I know you hate me and thats too bad, especially with these fleeting moments. It could be nice at least. But its Okay, I’m really trying my hand at zen-ness… Driving my small car, people say I look funny in it. The car makes you feel as though you are scraping the street, your feet a few inches from the pavement. Blood puddings they may become. Do I...
introducing
I don’t even know where to start. I need to ease myself into this whole thing once again. Family. Orange Juice. Innocuous. Carbon. Nitrogen. Egg Shells. Candy White. I don’t think I can make it to 100. Slop. Pogue. APR rates. Coughing. I was coughing today.
paintings tell the future… i hate being manic depressive… beers… lightbulbs… memories… feelings… clouds as soft as fur… tigerlillies… i like yr nose, please don’t get a nosejob… i wouldn’t get a tatoo… i wouldn’t get a piercing… old car… classy women… necklaces… heartache… wanting to leave...
I had this dream, where I lost my memory. I had taken too many pills and was drinking. We played a show and a host of other things occurred, I went to sleep the night before. And awoke already home. I asked about the show, Steve told me how it went. i didn’t remember anything. It scared the shit out of me. I feel like I’m losing sight of myself, maybe because she’s not there...
young turks
the back of your shoes cut open, bursting with life; life-force. Virginity loss rewarded with manliness. Awkward sentences, awkward smiles, sweet girl faces, sweet denials. The youths run wild, they run thru the streets, careless and jaded from narcissism. The hallways blur and I feel so scared. I lean back in my chair, the rush of sound hits my brain. It jolts my heart, like you do. Or you did....
classic rock
My body should feel unified, lately I’ve been thinking about all the DNA encoding on me; that should unify me. I’ve been reading old emails, they make me really sad. I’m not mad, I’m sad.
Hitchcock on the Highway
Birds were attacking a corpse. Or at least what appeared to be a corpse… It just turned out to be some massive loaves of bread on the side of the road; guess they had fallen off a truck (not in the “hot-property, seemingly stolen” sense, but actually fell off a delivery vehicle.) I should go back to that stretch of I-95 to see what OTHER goods had been left behind by loose...
where is everyone?
Visually dissatisfied, missing. To be apart of something. Your fucking face. Your fucking body. Interject. Object. Why are you interested in anything? I have to drive far to meet people who i really really like, isn’t that a shame. Party girls. Flowers. Italians. Astrological signs. Nice eyes. Nice tits. I miss fucking your face. i miss fucking your body. Interject. Object. Wrestling drunk,...
effing the ineffable
In a world underneath, misshapen with dusty covenants and bloated architecture,you are lost. Whistle while the chorus levitates above concrete slabs and you’ll find a way. Your way. Or a way will find you. A way will find you. And even an onslaught of clank clap clinked keys won’t throw it off. The cycle is predetermined. Ineffable to say the least. A cavity in space. A vacuum of salient...
a true mother
the children are more important than the one who helped you make the children. a true mother. tears fall down your cheeks. i lay in bed where your body once was. put my left arm where you were. i imagine how it would be had we been old and lived our lives together. and you are dead and gone. and i cry with my left arm outstretched. feeling with my palm. your resentful though. we live our secret...
death to beth
“Why are the pretty ones always crazy?” Sucha dumb ting, grade-school mockery. Heart on the sleeve. Smashing Pumpkins. Fading, fading away. Driving, driving around. Slight roughness, mega bumpiness. Showers. I need to eat, I need to drink, I need to piss, I need to shit. Oh, Beth! Why did you leave me, leave me to die, while you fly, soar; sourly. How do your pockets feel? Your nose,...
soon
very soon i will have the internet at home
disambition
People give bad advice. One handed. 8:30PM. Exhausted and anxious. Oh, I should avoid tea. I shouldn’t avoid you, but I do. Train stations, and the comfort of cars. The discomfort of walking, and my full insides. People are going out on the weekends, and I’m jealous. I don’t like her master plan, it’s too masterful. I want to meet that woman from Blade Runner. Too bad it...
deliverance
immediacy in efficacy. I fell and hurt my left wrist, so this is now one handed. My right hand. I am right handed. fin
Jeez, some people, y'know?
Oh, hey. Um, your ex-roomate called to congratulate you on winning “World’s Biggest Dumbfuck.” Again. Wow, four years in a row, that’s…impressive? Anyways, I wrote his number down on a napkin, but I, uh, kinda used it to sop up some Dr. Pepper I spilled…on that CD player of yours I had borrowed. Yeah, I told you I was taking it, remember? Yes I did. Well, whatever, I’m sure he’ll call back;...
Tires and tires.
Last night, powered by a mediocre under-desk nap, I was ready for a nap. I got out of work early and was ready to power down into the covers. Unfortunately, my tire decided to flatten, and after switching it out with the donut, driving home, patching it and switching it out again, I wasn’t tired. Eventually, though, I fell asleep. Around 9. I was reading GiJoe 51, and about two pages...