two bags of chips, acidic potato chips, two bag opening mouths,
opening and looking at you, who?
squalor
noises like: clickity clackity and rickity rackety
and screwing.
less is more, more or less.
Oh my little life.
noise pollution. debris. neighbors bothering me.
i smell the pool
i smell the in sensitivity
i smell the careless words
i smell the wasted thoughts and breaths and actions
i smell the chlorine
i smell the shit
I smell the nectarine
BUT I DONT EAT THE PIT!
sometimes I feel way too far away
the past 3 posts all mention physical pain. I feel OK right now.
I went swimming yesterday, it was really great. I don’t really want to go swimming today, but I want to relive those great day old memories. Memories will fuck with you. Mind eraser.
i can’t even get to the emotion I want to feel. Making stops along the way.
the great passing of passer by’s
sorry. i had bad kidney pain. sorry. i take things too seriously. overanalyze. dizzy. I kind of like my job now, but it’s not respectable, they say. interesting movie. fever. heat. collision
speaking philosophy while stomach hurts, uncompleted thoughts. philosophy that is not thought out. be carefull
I wonder what’s worse, physical or emotional pain. I’m drinking tap water, it tastes disgusting. I feel sick right now anyways though.
one must have faith in oneself. to be able to transport himself with ease. I think physical and emotional stability can come.
I believe that you can only know the present; the past and the future exists in a weird way. As I’ll reiterate its always shaped by the present.
I painted a little bit today, it was pretty good, but I still don’t feel right painting here, I think when I move out I’ll paint alot.
goto sleep dreading waking, back hurts, I made $37 in tips today bought $10 worth of gas; bought a $29 pair of shoes, $2 on a vitamin water and $3 on some cheesy late 80s early 90s comic books. I only worked 3 hours today, I was pretty tired too. I tried skating; I skated alright today, I’m glad to have the new shoes.
Do you really always turn into what you pretend to be? I guess you do. It kind of makes sense. Life seems to be a lot about pretending and lying, which is pretty depressing. I am so split in two. Up stream and down stream. Negative and positive. Out going and shy. This often makes me feel clueless and lost and unfamiliar with my true self. I have a hard time making decisions because I could go either way in many different situations. I guess I am feeling sad today. It could be more of frustration. I felt like crying more than once, but I didn’t. I hate the feeling of holding it in though. It gives me a headache. My eyes did well up with tears after ruining a dress I was attempting to iron for my new job. I was hired to look cute. My job is greet people, smile, and look cute. and I can’t even do that. I always just feel “thrown together”, nothing seems to work. I guess i should feel flattered that i was hired to look cute and the guys hit on me, but i just don’t feel it. fuck this. Tonight we went out to eat for a birthday celebration. The waiter was awkward and ended up spilling a full glass of ice water on me. All over my left side, completely drenched and numb. I feel disorganized. My interests are sporadic. I only talk about these things on tumblr because I always feel guilty and stupid bringing these things up to people. But, really, I do want to bitch and complain about my insecurities because I don’t understand them but they sometimes rule my mind. Not all the time though. My hormones follow the lunaar cycles. Right about now the moon looks like my tattoo and I am my craziest. I want to be in the red tent being massaged and fed plump grapes. I’ll be fine once the new moon comes. I Promise.
sad existence, foolish unavoidable death, you remind me of someone else, is that why I like you so much. Fan blows, what am I really doing with my days, I envy you for going to the park and just looking at things, I can’t do this. Things are so difficult, moving my legs, adjusting my spinal cord. I wish I could fall down and not get hurt. Rubber bouncer. Beautiful woman, beautiful face. I don’t feel like I have much to offer though, I feel I will scare a woman away. Once I explain my fears and my goals? Maybe I am so completely wrong, I really want to kiss someone and hold someone, but I question the meaning of these things. I need to feel at one with myself and what I am doing, that is what I am working on. Okay sad existence and the foolish unavoidable death we all must pursue/ endure, I’m ready.
got to work at noon, felt very anxious and confused, I wanted to go to sleep but at the same time I felt stuck, because I was already at work. I keep wanting to quit everyday, I’m waiting for them to give me a reason. Then they tell me they’d give a 50 cent raise today if I work a few more hours, because I’m a good driver. I was honestly considering it, but then i started thinking about how depressing it is. And how depressed it makes me feel working there. Eventhough the money is good, its not worth the mental dilemmas. But at the same time I don’t know what else to do… work at Trader Joe’s? Sometimes I want to just move to Brooklyn, where many of my friends are. At least I could be meeting people, and meeting some girls too. I’m not saying I’m ready for a relationship, I mean I haven’t even finished this book I’m reading yet… But it does depress me that even if I wanted to, most of the girls around here are lame and/or already in relationships. So I worked seven hours today, I rushed to get to the skate shop before it closed. I really wanted a new deck and wheels, as I am without currently, I just have a set of trucks and bearings… seriously. But he must have just closed, I was pretty sad at that point. It was going to be the one thing today to kind of really cheer me up. When I got home, I told myself: don’t be angry, don’t spread that energy, its no one’s fault. And I did a pretty good job of restraining it. I went upstairs and cried a little bit, then I read some Fromm and decided to eat. I ate some salad, green and red peppers chopped up, some avocado, feta cheese, and caesar dressing. I felt pretty good after eating this, so I decided since my father wasn’t home to play some drums and record it for this thing I’m working on (this was the highlight of my night). Then my brother came by and he was talking to my mother, same old conversation with new anecdotes. I put in my usual two sense a bit more careless as i was too happy about the recording. I ate a bunch of mixed things, none of which were healthy, this made me feel bad again. Yin and yang! 474 words woo!
Earlier today I told myself that I would write something poetic on here, but I don’t know if I can. My body and mind feel like mush. I took a nap today. I don’t know for how long… could have been an hour, could have been 20 minutes, or 10. It was a lucid dream. At first it was very sexual - which I don’t get very often - but then it changed. I was dreaming of myself taking that nap. kind of like I was watching myself nap. I was able to look around the room and see into the kitchen and the front door. I was trying to wake myself up because I thought it was getting close to the time that Michael gets home, the top lock was locked and I wanted to unlock it before he got here. I was afraid that I wouldn’t hear him knock on the door if I was still sleeping. So I was forcing myself to wake up, but I couldn’t. It was one of the most horrifying sensations. I could not lift my body up off of the couch, like my muscles went completely limp and I was paralyzed. And my eyes would not stay open, they just stung and I had a terrible headache. After several attempts at waking myself and lifting my body I finally forced myself out of the dream and into this reality. Now I have a terrible headache and my joints feel sore. I need a job.