Do you really always turn into what you pretend to be? I guess you do. It kind of makes sense. Life seems to be a lot about pretending and lying, which is pretty depressing. I am so split in two. Up stream and down stream. Negative and positive. Out going and shy. This often makes me feel clueless and lost and unfamiliar with my true self. I have a hard time making decisions because I could go either way in many different situations. I guess I am feeling sad today. It could be more of frustration. I felt like crying more than once, but I didn’t. I hate the feeling of holding it in though. It gives me a headache. My eyes did well up with tears after ruining a dress I was attempting to iron for my new job. I was hired to look cute. My job is greet people, smile, and look cute. and I can’t even do that. I always just feel “thrown together”, nothing seems to work. I guess i should feel flattered that i was hired to look cute and the guys hit on me, but i just don’t feel it. fuck this. Tonight we went out to eat for a birthday celebration. The waiter was awkward and ended up spilling a full glass of ice water on me. All over my left side, completely drenched and numb. I feel disorganized. My interests are sporadic. I only talk about these things on tumblr because I always feel guilty and stupid bringing these things up to people. But, really, I do want to bitch and complain about my insecurities because I don’t understand them but they sometimes rule my mind. Not all the time though. My hormones follow the lunaar cycles. Right about now the moon looks like my tattoo and I am my craziest. I want to be in the red tent being massaged and fed plump grapes. I’ll be fine once the new moon comes. I Promise.